I Wish I Knew This Earlier

Even if I did, I wouldn't have listened

I'm turning 30 in five months, and I've been reflecting on what that means for me—all the goals, dreams, and aspirations I have. Have I actualized them? Am I setting new goals, or am I still struggling with the old ones?

One thing I can confidently say in my almost 30 years on earth is that I have been living under immense pressure. That's exactly why I haven't truly reached where I want to be—or gone even further.

And no, this pressure is not from anyone but myself. Pressure to succeed, yet held back by fear of what it takes to achieve it. And I can tell you with certainty that this combination is not a good thing.

But you know what else I have gained in my thirty years on earth? Experience, emotional intelligence, and, most importantly, the courage to do the things I want to do.

Experience, because I have learned—and I'm still learning—from the mistakes of my twenties. Now, I'm approaching life, goals, and dreams with that experience.

Emotional intelligence, because I’m handling myself better emotionally now. I don't even need an outsider to tell me—I can see for myself how much better I am at handling issues. I'm tackling both internal and external negativity. I am now speaking good things over my life and over the works of my hands.

Courage—you see that thing called fear? It's a bastard o. I won't lie. But these days, when it comes to me—

You want to do something, but you're afraid people will laugh at you? Ehen, let them laugh.

You think you're not good enough to do something, so you don't even try? Attempt it first—that's the only way you'll know whether you'll succeed or not.

You've started something but want to stop halfway because "one thing, one thing" happened? So how are you ever going to get to where you want to be and surpass it?

Ten years ago—or even just two years ago—I wouldn't have been able to challenge myself and my thoughts the way I do now. I saw myself the way I believed others saw me. My anxieties grew as I tried to force myself into friendships where I wasn't wanted, allowing their thoughts to become my thoughts just so I could be seen as cool in their eyes.

I saw myself as all the negative things I had believed and internalized for so long. But not anymore.

I am going to live to the fullest extent of my dreams. I'll write and talk to my heart’s content. I'll run my business where I help people tell their stories. I love myself and yell at the top of my lungs that I am worthy and deserving of the life I have and the things I desire from it.

Let me tell you, if you are in your twenties and you feel like your life is falling apart—your mates are doing better than you, and you're wondering, why can't I succeed like they have?—I'll tell you one thing now: the majority of the people you see who have "made it in their twenties" are not the majority.

You may not like to hear this, but your twenties are for fuck-ups and mess-ups as you try to figure out life. So take it easy on yourself. This is what I would have told younger me if I could ever meet her. But I know you won’t listen—just as I would never have listened—and that's okay. You will figure it out eventually.

I don't have everything figured out yet, and I don't believe life automatically gets better when you reach a certain age. But life does get better when you apply the experience age has blessed you with.